Day 94: (Week 15 Day 5) - Big day

Big day for everyone here.

It is 9am and I'm getting ready to head over to my prenatal appointment. I'm going to ask for an ultrasound and maybe, just maybe, we'll find out if it's a little boy or girl in there.


John's mom, Debbie is in town too. I wish you were here too mama! :)

Day 90 - Snuggled up at home

Well, yet again, I've fallen off the blogging wagon. This is due in part to serious computer issues (laptop is burnt), holiday madness and a general lack of summarizing ability.

Christmas was lovely. We woke up and I definitely forgot that it was Christmas because I proceeded to tell my wacked dream in great detail to John, who always does a fine job of feigning interest. Then we trotted over to the Christmas tree and unwrapped our gifts. John got me a few books, including 2 gigantic crossword puzzle treasure troves and a replacement for a book that I left on a plane a few months ago. He also got me a beautiful maternity shirt, which he insists is a pajama top. I think it's way too nice and I wore it today to prove it. After watching some Lost Season 5- one of my gifts to him, we took the 30 cupcakes Aja dropped off the night before down to the shelter and remarked on the line outside of the movie theater. :) The rest of the day was basically me sleeping intermittently as I was super tired for absolutely no reason other than growing a baby.

Christmas Eve was wonderful too- Dan and Richard came over and I cooked my first indoor steaks ever. They were pretty dry but definitely edible. I also made mashed potats, asparagus and salad and Dan made his not-s0-famous latkas.

I go in on Wednesday for a check up. I'm going to mention the UTIs I keep getting and perhaps request an ultrasound- mostly to see if we can get a gender guess. My body hasn't changed much. I've lost some weight because I've been eating much less and more consciously. Yesterday marked week 15 and the second trimester has been problem-free so far. John continues to be the happy and supportive partner that he always has been. I couldn't ask for anything more, except for another glass of milk 14 times a day.

Day 79 - Pee vomit

The last two days have been jam-packed with work for the Center. We had our December quarterly board meeting last night and elected a new Chair and Vice-Chair. It occurs to me that it is not a frequent occurrence for most people, to have all of the people they had worked closely with be replaced with an entirely new set of people. I feel very confident in the women who will be filling the boots of the executive positions which very relieving.

I am still in over-production mode, trying to meet end of year deadlines while attempting to fulfill all of my other obligations.

I've been getting UTIs the past 3 days. I talked to the midwife at our last prenatal appointment about it. She said (confirming what I had already researched) that some women's anatomy is just more prone to getting UTIs. I am one of those unfortunate women and the pain never becomes familiar. Last night I was brought to tears. It is so uncomfortable! This morning I woke up and could feel that I was still lingering and popped some cranberry pills. Doing this on an empty stomach was just about the worst thing I could do. A half an hour later I was hanging my head in the toilet vomiting what my pee looks like after I take the cranberry pills.

So anyway, John is having his 2nd phone interview this morning and I still haven't motivated myself to shower and/or bake the million cookies that need to be ready for tonight's holiday party. Other than the above mentioned body malfunctions, I feel pretty great. Most of the time I really don't feel pregnant. It's a strange thing but I sure am grateful. The only thing that persists is the smell sensitivity issue- it's morphing into a tough situation where it's less the smell of foods and more the smell of people and things that get me feeling gross. I sure hope this phase ends soon but I'd certainly choose this over puking everyday.

Oh I guess I didn't mention that John and I had a really nice Saturday together. What made it extra special is that he was extremely flexible and completely willing to do anything that we could think up without time constraints. We started off by going to Pike Place Market and I definitely was feeling a little rushed because John isn't a natural shopper. There was nothing that interested him, so I felt like browsing wasn't really possible (even though he wasn't the least bit impatient). I think I just really enjoy shopping alone and at my own pace. I know those last few sentences completely contradict my thesis statement, but overall the day was quite relaxed. So then we walked down 1st ave and went to Fado for lunch and then back up near pacific place to gameworks arcade and finally to the movies. It just felt really nice to have a day out together.

.

Sometimes you'll be at work and someone will say something ridiculously inappropriate on IM that you now have to hide from anyone that might walk by, and the rest of the conversation looks like

.
.
.
a
b

a
e
g
a
s
.
.
.
and then resumes.

Clearly we've got a situation now where I'm supposed to rattle off 7 quick blog posts until there's no retrievable record that I have ever farted ... right?

Anyways, moving on to Tai's next post. I think that picture was taken like 3 days after the test. That was an exciting day. First I had done the math, and figured out the conditional probabilities of "it's a boy" or "it's a girl" based on the assumption that the test is 80% right and 20% wrong (their claim), and added assumptions like "80% of the time I'm naturally going to have a boy, vs having a girl 20% of the time" (my claim). With those assumptions I figured out that if you got a boy result, there would now be 16-1 odds favoring a boy, and if you got a girl result, it would be 50-50 whether it was a boy or girl. Subsequently I went around posting that everywhere that I assumed I could post that without someone scrolling it off the top.

So Tai woke up whatever morning that was, and I was assuming we were going to get the test that night, but she was like "we have to do this NOW ... i have to go pee NOW ... it has to be the first morning pee" and of course we hadn't even gotten the test yet. So I'm thinking, uhh ... (don't wanna get up) .... isn't it going to be pretty unpleasant waiting for me to go to the store while you're laying in bed holding it in? (or for that matter walking to the store with me holding it in?) So we found a random clean receptacle laying around the room (don't worry roommates, it has already been classified as a biohazard and will not be turning up in the kitchen sink, soon or ever) and Tai did her business (I was about to say "while I went to walgreens", but I doublefactchecked just now and she came with me). It was kindof funny when I looked at the shelf and there were like, 80 spots on the shelf for condoms, 30 for pregnancy tests, and right in the middle of pregnancy tests 1 spot for the intelligender tests (I'm sure there are other categories of "things" on the shelves I forgot or omitted).

So then we came back and I pulled out the various utensils and did the titrating, made sure to swirl the contents like it said on the instructions but not shake them, and told Tai "I've gotta go jump in the shower, it'll be quick", and she was like "NOOO, you have ten minutes!" ... "psh, 10 minutes, I can be done in 5". 14 minutes later I came back in and Tai was going "it didn't look like anything. Those were the two colors and it didn't change color at all."

So I sortof looked at it and went hmmm .... there were little flavor crystals that probably didn't dissolve, let's try swirling it a little bit and see what happens (also I noticed it just kindof looked like there was dark sediment at the bottom), so as soon as I gave it a little swirl the sediment took over and the whole cup turned the EXACT color of the "it's a boy!" color (on the other side, the "it's a girl!" color was about 12 shades lighter than the pre-swirl color, so the fact that it went from dark to darker makes me at least 16-to-1 convinced of the reality of the situation).

So the bottom line is now I just have to work on shifting Tai's overton window until she is considering a name like Zaxxon Clyde to be the norm for our son, (just now, "that's what you're doing, isn't it? when you suggest names like, fucking, THOR") and then we're golden. Golden, as in, NOT the color that was returned by the gender test.

Day 77 - 13 weeks

John and I just spent some time cleaning up. Feels good to be in a more orderly space. I'm going to be headed to an IMAX movie with Alie in about an hour so I've got to get my morning in gear pretty quickly.



I've been experiencing a shift in my smell and taste sensitivities. Rather than a general sensitivity all of the time, it's more like none at all or all at once. John ate pizza and the smell of garlic has been haunting me for the past 2 days but I'm doing alright when something is quite malodorous on the bus.

On a side note: I've changed the day # in the subject line to reflect the actual day # of the pregnancy rather than the days out since we found out we're pregnant.



The most exciting news is that we took the Intelligender test. You can read about it here. My pee seems to tell us this:



John is pretty ecstatic while I'm remaining neutral until we get the 20 week ultrasound. I'm sure he'll expound more on why he believes this is an accurate result if he ever gets around to posting. In the meantime, we can leave it at "It's a boy?"

Day 57 - No you may NOT fart

Biggest news is that I made the blog look a lot nicer (right?) and John's farts are absolutely rancid.
We also added the Baby registry information to the right.

Today has been pretty laid back and I'm enjoying getting things done. I've been slashing some checkmarks on major to-dos and I hope this can continue uninterrupted.

Friday will be 13 weeks which incidentally also marks 13 weeks since I had a pleasant pooping experience.

C-Ya!

Day 54 - Hiatus

After lots of hectic travel, uhauling and US hauling, John and I are settled into his apartment which has become much more of a home than it was before. There is now a place to actually store things, as well as a beautiful, newly hand-painted BIG dining room table and a christmas tree begging for ornamentation. It feels really good to walk into John's apartment and feel like it's a warm and welcoming place. Soon it will be OUR apartment, but not without a lot of sweat and tears moving and purging tons of my "collections".

The past two days have been pretty horrific healthwise. On Friday morning I walked across the street to get some milk and had myself a bowl of cereal for breakfast. A few hours later I started having cramps and dealt with them growing in intensity through my 3pm meeting. When John picked me up, I was in agony. When I got home I hopped in bed and was writhing in pain. At about 8pm I fell asleep and woke up bright and early yesterday feeling just fine.

I relaxed through the day and misunderstood Jen's birthday plans and missed the group outing to the brewery where I guess I would've sipped on some ginger ale. Of course, had I been ready in time I would've completely avoided the situation to follow. Around 6pm we walked to John's place to eat, Ahh yes, cereal please! I was a little bit concerned that the cereal was what had set me off the day before but couldn't imagine that suddenly, after 11 weeks of CHUGGING milk ALL the time, that milk was the culprit. Lo and behold, soon after I was in the same awful pain which woke me up from a nap. John sat with me and comforted me and fed me some peaches and water. I tried to go to the bathroom and failed. On the way out of the bathroom I got the undeniable urge to vomit and ran back in. Up came all of the peaches and awful smelling puke! I mean it was RANK. I could taste the Cap'n Crunch from earlier too, but to my knowledge none of it was in the toilet. To wrap up this visual, after tossing it up I felt just fine! No more cramps!! I don't understand it but it was incredible.

So here we are, Sunday- or better known as Day 54. I'm over 12 weeks pregnant and heard the baby's heartbeat last Wednesday. I have a ton of work to do so I am going to wrap this up prematurely. WE'RE going to be updating more regularly. Promise.

Day 41 - Long island here I is

My mom asks me everyday if I'm going to update the blog even though I'm sitting next to her able to give her real-time updates on request.

I left Spain and endured the flight with 2 movies (Time Traveler's Wife & Benjamin Button) and finished a book (Thirteen Moons by Charles Frasier) and arrived at JFK huggled John and my mom. We loaded up the van and mom cranked the ignition and it wouldn't start. Quite an ordeal involving a tow truck, rental car, Audrey the dog, Jamaica Queens and lots of money spent.

Now I'm here in my room unsure how to dive into the art of scrapbooking. Yesterday we picked up a shit ton of supplies and I spent an hour looking through photo albums this morning, but I feel like disturbing the peace of these 20 year old+ albums is sacrilegious so I'm still at square one. Even once I find some photos, I know I'm going to be intimidated by all of the little pieces and fitting them together. Hopefully after I have a few under my belt I'll get the hang of it. Let's hope that's not the case with child-rearing.

Speaking of which, I definitely felt myself getting thicker Wednesday & Thursday of last week, which was pretty bizarre. Lately I've been falling asleep at 7:30ish. I know, it's ridiculous. By the time it's 5pm I'm like, Wheeewwwwhh alright, I'm ready to put myself down, then I look at the clock in disbelief and force myself awake for another 2 hours. The flip side is that I've been waking up at the crack of dawn everyday. I've also been fighting a cold, which hasn't been too bad at all and may account for the inability to stay awake.

My intentions up to Friday are that I spend time with Ashley, Gabby, Gina, Jessica, Loren (alphabetical order), and of course Tim, Ma & Pop, eat a lot of peaches because they taste great all the time, and produce something close to a scrapbook. I'm enjoying being here.

drum set

this is on a slightly different note from Tai's last message, but I just found out that the Duke alumni band is re-forming next wednesday at madison square garden for the semifinals of the Preseason NIT.

I have no idea what plans are going to be surrounding this, and it could be a complete non-starter, or it could be a very interesting event. I sent them a message telling them I'm in town but that I'm extremely non-committal, and I estimate that based on what I know right now, there's a 30% chance that in 7 days I'll be playing drums on espn2.

The last time I did this was in 2004, when Oklahoma played Duke. I remember it feeling very out of the blue when I did it then (like I lived here at the time and afterwards I went back to people I was socializing with in NYC and said "yeah I just played drums for the duke band last night") and they were very much like "huhhhh?". It's funny because I pulled my rugby out of storage (rugby = the blue and white striped shirt the band members wore) like 2 weeks ago and was showing it to Tai, and obviously had no notion of possibly doing anything with it, so it's sitting in Seattle, and if I did end up going to this I'd be borrowing someone else's rugby to wear to the game.

Anyways, there isn't a whole lot more for me to say about it. It was a pretty weird event back in 2004, and it could only be like 10 times more weird doing it in 2009, but there's certainly a possibility of pulling out a video tape for our baby and being like "here's your dad on tv back when you were 3 inches long". That would actually be kindof cool.

(But at the same time, I still think it's 70% likely that I'm not going to do it.)

Day 36- Finger

The night before last I woke up with an aching ring finger. I figured that I had slept on it the wrong way and that the pain would subside throughout the day. That is exactly what happened, until I woke up at 5:30am this morning with my hand throbbing as though it was holding my heart. I couldnt even grip the tylenol container to open it with my right hand. Finally I fell back asleep and woke to it throbbing and my right ring finger knuckle in the hand in immense pain.


I've spent the latter part of the day seeking out a splint and finally decided to just improvise with a mini ruler and ace bandage. My finger isn't swollen, numb, discolored or cold. It just hurts bad. I'm ready to come home. I hate to look forward to leaving but I need love and medical attention asap. I.E I need John and Mom (and John's mom)

Day 35 - Trekking

Fell asleep around 11pm last night, maybe, and woke up at 11am this morning. It felt awesome. I realized that I missed the free breakfast, which was a huge bummer but a nice leisurely wake up was the trade off.

I guess I've yet to mention here that the hotel gets only one satellite channel in English and this channel has the lamest line-up of shows ever constructed. I didn't think that it could happen, but I'm definitely excited when I turn on the TV and Diagnosis Murder is on rather than The New Adventures of Flipper. This morning I finished up an episode of DM, as I affectionately now call it, and traced my walking plan in the newly purchased Madrid City Guide and set off for breakfast. I am definitely swinging into another "high sensitivity" phase wherein smells and thoughts of food make me nauseous immediately. I was looking through the menu of my now favorite madrid eatery "Cafe y te" and I couldn't help but gag at the picture of a bowl of rice and vegetables with a big crawfish or something on top. I mean it looks like it's still alive, just laying there superimposed onto the bland looking spanish dish. Who the hell would look at that and feel compelled to order it? Why not just go for a hike and dig your hand into the first creek and eat whatever you pull up out of the muck? So gross. On the less extreme side, anything with chicken is nasty and anything grilled is equally nasty. Basically the only appetizing thing, that I've had twice now, is the tropical smoothie. I could have 5 of these a day. I can't wait to have another one tomorrow pretty much.

Me ordering is pretty comical too. I think because I am alone I am slightly more likely to attempt using the native language which has been a disgusting salad of english, french and spanish. Yesterday I got a grilled cheese sandwich and I ordered it like this:

"uhhhhh Sandwich queso..... solo queso"
and the girl was like:
"only cheese"

Deflated look, yea.

Then I spent the next 20 minutes thinking about how I could've improved that order and came up with this:

"sandwich con queso, solomente queso por favor"
which is perhaps perfectly correct, and i got excited for making the order today.
Unfortunatly the idea of a grilled cheese sandwich was stomach lurching today.

Ok, enough about food, for now. After lunch I ventured out of the immediate radius of the hotel and walked to the palace and through the gardens. Very beautiful. Then I ended up hanging in the huge church right next to the palace for a good amount of time. I was thinking as I was sitting there very peacefully, that it was very unlike me to enjoy being in a church and decided that it was mostly the beautiful choir music being played through the strategically placed bose speakers that was keeping me entertained. I decided that when john and I aren't broke from life/baby, that strategically placed bose speakers are a must.

Then I walked across the viaduct and down through the little alleys finally ending up in the Plaza Mayor. There was heavy contruction taking place around the center statue which detracted from what I can imagine is a very impressive open space.

From there I walked back to the hotel, watched an episode of DM and put my feet up. Then went back out to check out a store I saw something in the window of earlier but was closed for siesta. Then across the street to a buffet bar where I forced salad into my trap fighting negative thoughts and a rejecting throat. I read my book there for about an hour and here I am, making the lobby of the hotel much more decorative with my presence.

I have to hold my breath everytime I climb the stairs to my room because the landings smell so strongly of human urine.

Yesterday, posthumously

What a day. I feel like someone took a shit on my head and then told me to celebrate.

First you've got to imagine Morocco. To be culturally insensitive but to incite an easy picture for you, I can say that Morocco is feral. It is a wild cat animal that lives the way it wants to live and tells any kind of external norms/rules to fuck off. Some examples: there is no such thing as a red light, rather every color is Yellow with little caution shown. People walk across the street in full view of oncoming traffic with no hesitation. People, no, men, piss publicly not just on the corner of a building but on the wall of the kasbah. There is no indication that they have gag reflexes as the conflicting aromas of dead animal, burning garbage and smog have no effect on the natives.


That said, my luggage was left in the city of Rabat.


I'm on the bus, headed for Casablanca airport (1.5 hours away) and the bus driver gets a phone call from the guide, Said. Said says: "Tai, you lefta yur luggahje here" "What??" "Yur luggahje is in de lobbay" ..... "Well, what are we going to do about this?"

So Said suggests the bus drop me off at the rest stop it was originally going to stop at for restrooms and I wait there until he arrives with the group that is going to Marrakech (southern Morocco). I was completely dumbfounded by the whole situation- You must understand that I am really REALLY ready to get out of Morocco. I can attribute this mostly to the high stress experienced because it was a work thing that lasted 24 hours for 10 days. Although I will also admit that I'm a sucker for developed countries and all of the luxuries. I definitely peed on my foot in at least 1 squat toilet episode and my scarf fell off my neck onto the urine slick floor in another. On top of all of this, taming my irritability has been INCREDIBLY challenging. I want to tell everyone EXACTLY how it is and I just don't think they are ready for life to be delivered to them in that way.

Anyway, Said hatches this plan with the rest stop and I'm like whatever this sucks. It also sucked for other reasons that I won't get into since John advised me to perhaps censor work-related miseries on this public blog. We get to the rest stop and I'm like, ok Bye everyone I'm staying here (IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE MOROCCO) and as I got off I was thinking, this is retarded. Why the hell am I going to stay here when Said can just bring my bags to the airport. Brilliant. So we call Said and change the plan with the obligatory language barrier issues and I head off to the airport with the rest of the group.

So we get to the airport and Shauna says that she'll stay with me until I have some things figured out. My plan was to try to change my flight to a later one (in case the luggage didn't arrive in time). That's all, just a simple change of flight. Right?

We head over to check in and the girl says, you have to go to the agency booth. "You can't do anything here for me?" No

Go to the agency booth, Hi, My luggage was left at my hotel in Rabat and I don't know if it will make it here in time. I'd like to change my flight (*handing her my passport). She looks up stuff and then hands me back my passport with the very tell-tale look of "I've decided that I am not going to be helpful in any way and I now have a personal vendetta against your success"You have to go to check in, I can't do anything here.

Oh, well, checkin just told me I had to come here.

You have to go to check in and talk to my supervisor

Ok, what is your supervisor's name?

I don't know. She's a girl.

You don't know your supervisor's name?

No.

What is your name?

Lamina.

So I decide to go outside to look for Said and the douchey luggahje and bid Shauna a farewell after not being able to get her cellphone to work to call him.

I sit outside the airport under a palm tree and keep reassuring myself that this is what is happening at the pace that it is happening and there is nothing that I can do about it. Then I stand up, then I sit down again. Then I walk over the the street and sit on a pole, then I walk back into the center of the relatively empty plaza. I mean, seriously- I stand out. Anyone within 300 feet is going to notice me. My hair and stature alone set me apart from the average Moroccan- Said is going to see me but I just can't seem to find the perfect location to be found. I tried to read my book but just kept thinking about not being identified. Finally Said rolls up in his big honkin van and unloads my shit. I wheel myself back into the airport, into the appropriate terminal and up to easyJet checkin

Hello, I'm checking in. here's my passport

Tap tap tap, You aren't listed on this flight to Madrid.

I booked it two days ago.

Do you have the confirmation number?

No.

You have to go to the booth madame.

Well, I was over at the booth before with another problem with my luggage and I don't think that woman really wants to help me.

I will go with you; she has to help you, it is her job.

BIG SIGH OF RELIEF! Then I explained the whole situation to her and it turns out SHE is the nameless supervisor, WHAT LUCK. So we stroll up to the booth and I'm like, YEA BATCH BE SCARED I BROUGHT YOUR SUPERVISOR. So they are looking me up and still not finding me, and she says she needs to have that confirmation number. So i ask her if I can go on the computer to look at my email. They let me and I go to type "http://www.gmail.com/" and it looks like "rrr;aheiv;uxa" Ok, cool. Moroccan keyboard. So checking my email become a much longer task. Finally get the search word right in the text box and find the easyJet confirmation email. Open it up and I'm like, HERE LOOK! and I scroll down and allow to escape a perfect gasp as I notice that the flight is booked for 11/14/2009. Then I show it to them with a look of panic. They proceed to look it up on their shitty terminal, any they are like, It was for yesterday. And I'm like, I know, I just showed you that, duh. What do we do now?

Well ma'am you need to buy another ticket. Ok fine, let's do it. It couldn't be that easy though, you know that right? My bags are going to be an issue. Supervisor lady looks at her watch, hmmm we have 20 minutes, I dont know. What is there to know?!? Let's get this thing rocking in the free world. Run the credit card and take a lot of money from me for luggahje that is too heavy and don't worry about the ass ton of money I spent for the flight yesterday (which I prepaid for the overweight luggahje).

I'd make this story shorter, but I really don't want to spare myself or the reader any moment of this captivating experience.

So, booth lady prints a receipt for 110 dirhams (about $13) for GOD knows what and tells me to go to checkin. I'm now running and sweating like a bison. I get to checkin and talk to supervisor lady. I put my first bag on the scale 8 kilos. Second bag 27 kilos. I'm allow 20 kilos total for both. 15 kilos over. Whatever, I have to take them. Then she looks at my carryon bag. Now before I go forward with this, I need to mention that there have been times when I have REALLY pushed the limit for what should be considered a carryon bag. I've brought bags the size of small sheep onto planes and felt pretty awesome when I wasn't questioned. Today, however, I have what was advertised officially as a "carry-on bag" with wheels. One of those little wheelie guys. Best part is, it's really not even that full! This is so unlike me!! So I'm like, NO WAY I'm going to have a problem with this little guy. One of the other girls on the delegation actually checked in on this flight earlier, I was behind her in line, and she had a gigantic puffy duffle bag and got through no problem. So I'm feeling confident that she's going to let me go especially in light of the 10 minute window I am now facing.

"Can you please place your carry-on in the bin" referring to the cage they use to monitor your carryon. If it doesn't fit, they make you check it. So I lift it up and place it on top and wedge it in a little. It clearly meets the dimension criteria and any onlooker can see the bag is OK GO. I point to it.

"No, it doesn't fit"

Totally incredulous face. "Yes, it does. the handle and neck pillow are preventing it from sliding
down- it fits though"

"Try it then"

So I bend down and wedge it in the cage even more.

"Ok- there it is."

"No, it is still not in"

Now I am absolutely boiling over. I am more angry than I have experienced in a long time. With RAGE, I shove the bag to the bottom of the cage and I yell to her

"OK?!@?"

"Yes, ok"

Now I'm struggling to get it out. I put my purse on the floor and awkwardly lift both the luggage and the DUMB ORANGE CAGE. Then some man gets in the middle of all of this and rolls halfway over my purse. I looked at the situation from the bent down position, looked at at him, shoved his luggage about 3 feet and picked up my purse and finally freed my carry on. I go to the desk (everyone on line is staring at me- I am that crazy woman- THAT one) and I look at the woman and say

YOU KNOW, I'M PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!

That is the first, and hopefully last time I will pull the pregnant card with anyone other than John. As soon as I said it, I started sobbing without control. She was very apologetic, which felt like it was making the feeling bad for myself even worse. She's like, how many weeks? and I'm like 3 MONTHS! (I guess 3 months was more legit than the accurate 2, to me). She was like, I didn't know, I'm sorry madame. I'm still crying and I just want to get the hell out of CASABLANCA AIRPORT. And she's doing stuff on the computer, looks up at me, still crying like a boss, and I blubber:

"I'M REALLY EMOTIONAL RIGHT NOW"

So she nods, what other response can you have to that, and tells me to go to the booth, again. ughhhhhhhhhh. So I go to the booth and pay for the whole mess which ends up being an amount I don't even want to think about and go BACK to check in for the ticket. She hands me the ticket and tells me that I'm now classified as "Special assistance" which means I board first. NICE. So I get in line for security check and passport control and of course I don't have my customs form filled out. I have to go to some booth WHICH IS NOT AT ALL SIGNED AS A PLACE YOU HAVE TO GO TO BEFORE GETTING IN LINE, grab one and fill it out as I wait in line again. Molly, Maryel and Nancy show up behind me (other delegates/2 board members) and we all line up for passport control in 2 adjacent lines. Nancy is behind me, and they ask how things are going, and I start CRYING ALL OVER THE PLACE again.

"I'm not usually like this!" sniff wipe get snot all over my jacket sleeve.

They respond with the "ohh it's okay, you are stressed out, the situation is so difficult, blah blah blah"But now I'm back to feeling sorry for myself instead of angry and I can't stop crying. So absurd.

Finally I get through that shit and metal detectors and run up to the gate to see a HUGE LINE and then about 10 adults and children in a shorter line near the letters "SA" and I'm like YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. I cut through the huge line, with a lot of satisfaction and walk down to the plane. At the end they have another carry on hell cage. I'm standing there, again, feeling like I'm in the clear when I notice one of the easyJet staff eyeing my bag (Which honest to god is the same size as EVERYONE else's wheelie carryon) and she stops me as we're boarding and says, Can you please place your bag in the cage. NO, I can't- I did this successfully already in the termi.... "SHE IS OK, let her go, she is ok" THERE IS SUPERVISOR LADY swooping in to save me from another breakdown. Unbelievable!!

So I get on the plane and I'm SO THIRSTY and my body decides that it's not done feeling sorry for itself and I keep crying. I put my headphonea on and wept quietly next to the window until I was interupted by the stewardess which then alerted my fellow passengers that there was a little crying christie sitting next to them. I thought for a minute about all of the ways it would be appropriate for me to be crying on a plane- I just left the love of my life in Casablanca forever, I'm headed to Madrid for my dear granny's funeral, being pregnant was NOT a good excuse. So I just kept on crying and listening to sad music until I accidentally started playing "the cars- I guess you're just what I needed", and I was kindof bopping my head and continued with the whole album.

So fast forward, Madrid airport- totally civilized and I'm feeling REALLY good to be there. I leisurely get my luggage and then stop for some food at the cafeteria style place. After eating and reading a little, I got some money from the ATM and found a shuttle service. Shuttle drops me right to this hotel which is in the middle of everything- SO AWESOME! Front desk, of course, has an awful unwelcoming attitude- DONT CARE. get in my room (super modern and nice) and find out- theres NO INTERNET.
KUESFOASDFNISDKLJFHNADSLKJFHSDNLKFJHDSNFLKJDH

There are a few things that I would like to dwell on before I bid this diary entry adieu. 1) The girl at the original booth looked me up and must not have found my name yet she chose to not mention that to me thus creating a more complicated situation. She was a hater from the get-go. 2) It shouldn't MATTER that I'm pregnant. Why the hell don't people just act with some decency to a fellow human being?????

So now, I'm writing all of this down in notepad to post whenever I post and you read. I needed to have some closure on this day by letting it all hang out. I think I'm going to read and go to sleep early and explore the world tomorrow. Thanks for reading this- hope it made your day just a little bit better.

Update: I'm in the lobby of the hotel where there is free wifi. I did a 15 minute walk around (stopped in a starbucks thinking they would have internet -even if I had to pay- but no, and I was just tempted by all of the wonderful coffee drinks I can't have. Also, they have Christmas decorations up already which is odd but I guess they don't have thanksgiving as the buffer. Anyway, madrid is NOT on the grid system which definitely throws off my internal gps, a usually accurate and reliable mechanism. I still don't know what I'm going to do today, but I'm really relaxed and fine with doing nothing. I do REALLY wish that John or my mom or a close friend were here with me. Boo hoo for me.

Day 33- Ole!

I will be headed to the Casablanca airport shortly to catch a flight to Madrid, where I will relax day in and day out without anyone telling me that I need to dress professionally for a parliament meeting or that I need to hustle to a coach bus leaving in -3 minutes.

I haven't checked my work email in about 3 days and it really feels great. I feel like there really just isn't anything too pressing right now that would require me to look at it (MOROCCO IS OVER!!!).

I really miss John a lot. I'm also missing readily available bottles of milk.

Ok, I've just plotted out my game plan for the next few hours. I'll be staying here:
http://www.hotelfrancisco.com/

and attempting to use public transportation to get there. AYE PAPI

think or sleep

Monday or Tuesday night I came back from working and tried to go to sleep. I swear I had to have been in bed for like 2 hours before I eventually drifted off. That night I probably only got 3 or 4 hours of sleep before I had to get back up and get on the train into the city.

The last two nights I've been like "there is no freaking way I let that happen again" so I've set the alarm on my iphone, and then I've used its ipod capabilities to play 1 album (but not continue through a thousand song playlist) so that for most of the night there will be silence and my alarm will still be appropriately startling to wake me up.

What I've noticed is that with the music on I typically only make it through 1 or 2 songs and then I'm out like a light. So right off the bat I would make the argument for music / a lullabye to put me to sleep. I have a feeling this works in general during the day as well.

But when I really deeper into it, I think "is the reason I'm going to sleep because I'm replacing my thoughts with the music? my brain knows it doesn't have to think up its own soundtrack -- there's one already playing?"

This concerns me a little bit. When I think about growing up I think about several formative nights where I stayed awake for hours, in bed, or more usually on the couch, just thinking about shit, creating my opinions, etc. I don't remember lullabyes or using a device to put me to sleep ... pretty much ever. I also notice that it seems like 90% of people in the office work with headphones on -- I think Tai typically does as well when we're at home.

I wonder two things: can I thank the lack of a soundtrack for part of my accelerated development and thinking capacity? Obviously there's the study that says people perform better mentally after listening to Mozart (it's not clear if the effects are permanent or temporary), and I'm sure that listening to music develops your brain to a certain extent, but I really wonder also if it stunts your ability to think for yourself. The second thing I wonder is going the opposite direction -- does thinking instead of going to sleep impact my performance the next day? If we had conclusive results that turned my theory here into scientific fact, what would we actually want to do in raising the baby? Would you want to instill a sense of "going to school tomorrow is important -- you should take it seriously -- you should take going to your job seriously after you've grown up" vs increasing the brain's capacity and potentially limiting the ability to focus on responsibilities....

anyways, I dunno -- I'm always trying to formulate a theory and project it onto my life ... but even if I was right here about my theory I don't know what the answer is

Day 30 almost 31 - Give me 2 gallons of milk, thanks

All I want to drink is milk all of the time.

I've arrived in Fes and felt really tired and sick this morning. After our morning session, which lasted a lot longer than we had hoped I taxied back to the hotel to relax the rest of the day. I'm really glad I did this. Really, really glad.

Tomorrow I go to the weaving co-op where I'll be able to buy stuff at the source and get it shipped home!

Right now, I'm thinking that in a few hours I'll be at the 9 weeks mark and just a few days past the last image on this chart (63 days)

Amazing, no?

city year!

very short post here -- i just got into work

I got to penn station 15-20 minutes ago (on my god we killed like 4 trees and one plastic tree with the amount of paper they used to wrap up my omelet and cup of watermelon) and i accidentally got out on 34th and 8th instead of 33th and 7th so my patience wore down quickly and i got a cab (the last 2 days i walked to union square).

Anyways the cab driver was taking me over on 22nd between 6th and 5th and I looked over and saw two people in City Year jackets! (think josh and ronda if you need a visual) I knew that they weren't just in seattle but I wasn't aware of its existence until I got there, so if I ever saw the jackets before that in a different city I wouldn't have noticed.

That's all -- it just made me happy :)

Still Day 28- Prisms

Oh my god I just got done typing this really upbeat post and I pressed something and it disappeared- wiped out- gone. UGHHH I'll try to rewrite.



As they say, there is a light at the end of every tunnel (and it's not always new jersey). I just got done with the day-long symposium and finally met the woman who exchanged audacious emails with me, ultimately requiring that we reprint our invitations because we got her title incorrect (we called her a feminist- WHOOPS!). Anyway, it turns out that she delivered an incredible talk and created quite an atmosphere for the closing session. It was more than perfect. To give you a taste of the inspiration, she opened up with this:

"Pessimism is routine. Optimism is creativity." It's warm soup all over my mid-20s soul.


Afterwards, I was feeling the effects of a much-needed upswing and felt comfortable socializing the shmoozing with randoms at the US Embassy reception. After about an hour, my feet were screaming so I sat down and pulled out my video camera and started watching the 2 videos I took before I left for Morocco. They were both of John staring and smiling into the camera. I was probably saying something to him, but during playback I had it muted. It was wonderful! I watched it over and over and it was kindof like a mini-john was right there with me doing what he does best- maintain cuteness.


I'm going to hop in bed now- tomorrow we get out of Rabat as I mentioned already and the big hump day, so to speak, is now behind me. It's all a piece of cake from here. mmm Moroccan pastries are bomb dot com. Finally, prisms- theres a rainbow after every storm if you just look for it. Maybe my pregnant glasses just got dyed rose-colored?

new york fuckin city

I debated the appropriateness of this title for 1 second before deciding "whatever, it's written on the shirt we're gonna ask grandpa to wear when the baby is born -- it's appropriate"

I just blew through the most innocuous $100 I think in history. Yesterday after I got paid, I took 400 out and deposited back 300. So I'm walking around with 20s. I wanted a small snack before last night's steak dinner, so I went to the deli "Toasties" in union square and got a muscle milk, a piece of salmon with mac&cheese, some doritos, and a banana. That broke my first $20 down to loose change. Certainly more than I intended from a pre-meal "snack".

Dinner was paid for by the richest person at the table, and I'm pretty sure I was the poorest, so I got out of a 70 or 80 dollar tab, which is why i still can't believe the money is gone.

Then I took a short cab ride to penn station the broke the second $20, got a peak/off peak ticket to and from long island that wiped out the 3rd one and because it was 1:30 am when I got back, I took a 5 dollar cab ride back to the house which seemed like a good tradeoff for the extra hour of sleep. So now I probably had two 20s left and a bunch of ones. So we're down to about 50 bucks.

This morning I get a free ride to the train, and I use the return leg of my ticket, and then I walk down from penn station to union square. So far so good. I take the elevator upstairs, swipe my card to get inside, and ... i'm locked out. Probably the first one to get to work. It's 8:20 am, people are supposed to get in at 9, I have to kill a half hour.

so I walk next door to the "coffee" bar, get an iced tea and .... lowkey, lowkey ... bowl of oatmeal. Price check on a bowl of oatmeal? 9 dollars. OOPS. 9 dollars for a bowl of oatmeal? What's in it. Hmm, oatmeal, brown sugar, raisins, banada slices. 9 dollars. New York Fuckin City. And then I got charged for my refill on the iced tea. Erase another 20 please.

Just now I went to mail my rent check out and on the way back, eh, I'll grab a muscle milk and a banana. 6 bucks. That uses up all the ones in my wallet. So now I have ... 20 dollars? 20? I took out a hundred yesterday afternoon?

For the record, 80 dollars a day is $29,200 a year. I don't know how taxes work, but you probably have to make about $40k in pretax income (I'm guessing) to afford the luxuries I indulged in, the train ride to the city, the banana, the oatmeal, the double iced tea, the free lodging, the free dinner, the festering deli salmon, the 1:30 am cab ride -- I mean, obviously I'm being facetious and just as obviously there are places I could have trimmed costs, but still ... THAT was an 80 dollar day?

NYFC

oh no

Tai sent me this on Friday and I just had a chance to read it.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/8346058.stm

This means I'm gonna have the cutest crying baby ever :(

Day 25- Goodbye Casablanca, Hello Rabat

Today has been pretty calm despite the fact that I am IN MOROCCO! Right now I am sitting at a desk at the Sofitel Diwan, a very fine hotel with the terrace door open and cool air flowing in. Outside are all white buildings, millions of satellite dishes, 2 tall palms and a ficus (behind the ficus is an in-ground swimming pool which looks SO AMAZING that I want to swan dive into it (i.e. cannonball). The room smells of spices and what I can only assume to be cedar since all the furniture is this wood.







I just got off the bus from a laid-back transfer from Casablanca to Rabat. I woke up early in the morning for delicious breakfast at the Hyatt and then took a taxi back to the airport to seek out the missing box compliments of Alitalia airlines. Found the box and made it back to the hotel in time for the tour of the Mosque Hassan II.













So incredible- capacity is 85,000 in and out, so just imagine how grand it is. The tile work is what wooed me the most, amazing colors in intricate geometric designs.

I'm feeling just fine, eating snacks when hungry and not feeling the least bit nauseated (even though there are quite a few disagreeable aromas). I'm going to get some lunch and take a walk with a group to the medina (the old quarter of town, where, hopefully, there is a souk that I can BUY STUFF at).

PS: I've heard from my fans (i.e. mom) that you can't comment- well, I fixed that. You should be able to comment now. Let me know by commenting. THX

security

me: well tai is through international security and i am not

There it is in a nutshell. The long-winded version (that's my disclaimer) is what follows. I am on my way to New York to stay with Tai's parents for 2 weeks waiting for Tai to come back from Morocco. In the meantime I should be going in for hopefully 10-12 hour days at the office where my checks come from. If that's how it works out it will be a substantial improvement from the hours I've been clocking the past couple months.

So I looked up Tai's flight a few nights ago (at first I thought she was leaving the country out of JFK, but it turned out she had United to Chicago before she was heading off to Rome, then Casablanca). I used to make it a point to stop through Chicago whenever I had a chance on a cross-country trip and catch up with a friend that I used to trade with. Last time I had a chance to do that was two summers ago, when I was still trying to figure out where I was going to work if I was moving to Boston (and Tai was getting ready to move to Seattle and start CY, for historical reference although I didn't know it at the time). So it's been a while. I figured "well ... one-way flights to New York are pretty cheap. One-way flights to Chicago are a little unreasonable, but if you get there it's only $69 on Jetblue to go the rest of the way". Then I sat on it, and the next day one-way flights to New York had gone up $200. Oops. Meanwhile, I noticed that if I booked an itinerary from Seattle, to Denver, to Chicago, to Milwaukee, I'd land in Chicago right smack in the middle of Tai's 4 hour layover, and it would be 200 dollars cheaper than booking a flight to Chicago. Yes, airlines are jackasses (for making this sort of thing a reality).

So I sat on that knowledge for 2 days, and last night Tai laid down at 1 am and I still didn't know if I was going to fly out at the same time as her or if I'd follow up several hours later. I also had a completely packed suitcase which would screw the whole plan up because you can't blow off the 3rd leg of your itinerary if your checked bag goes on to Milwaukee. Around 2:30 (her alarm was set to 3) I woke up from a light nap and thought, well, let's see if anything happened to fares in the last couple hours. The answer? Yes. Flights to New York had gotten more expensive. I should say "they came back down for a brief spell yesterday because US Airways is opportunistic, but by 2:30 am this morning, nearly all options had been limited to bad options." So I said well, let's just see how it goes if I unpack that suitcase into a bunch of carry-on sized bags.

By 3:10, Tai had hit her snooze alarm once and I had unloaded this large overpacked suitcase into a backpack, my gym bag, and my computer bag. I still don't understand the geometry of how that was possible. (ok I just took 30 minutes away from writing this and now there's a guy standing nearby who looks like George Lucas with a better pornstache) So once I realized it was possible to actually get on a plane, I broached the topic with Tai of not having booked anything, but maybe we could book something right now. She was not overly happy with my timing and surprise factor, but as the cab pulled up to take her to the airport, I hit submit twice and acquired a ticket for today to Seattle->Denver->Chicago->Milwaukee and tomorrow for Chicago->JFK.

So then we got to the airport, and she had to take her large box of rocks out of her suitcase to get it from 61 pounds down to 43 pounds. (very impressive rocks, if it was the same box we picked up yesterday) I thought about trying to crawl into the empty space left by the box and stow away to Morocco but that would have brought it back up to 290 pounds so we didn't. The person at the gate didn't say anything definitive about whether or not I could switch onto Tai's flight, so we went up through security and to the gates, and the guy seating passengers to Denver was like 'oh certainly -- heck you'll be doing us a favor, we overbooked by 10'. I didn't point out that 45 minutes earlier they had only been overbooked by 9 and that I had just finishing doing them an inconvenience, just nodded and said "oh yeah I love doing favors" and like that, I was on Tai's flight! Bear in mind, the going rate for a ticket on her flight was about 500 dollars and my 3-legged itinerary went for about 190. Love it.

So we got on the plane got seated together (another last minute win) and she put her little neck pillow in between our heads so that we could lean into each other and both rest on it while simultaneously supporting it, and I was honestly (honestly!) thinking "this is so perfect and completely romantic". It is NOT easy to get a comfortable sleeping position for you and a partner on a plane, and I think we pulled it off for a good hour or so before it was necessary to change positions.

Anyways, next thing we knew the plane was landing and I told Tai "the next time you do this you'll be landing in Rome" and she said "When in Rome...". *I said "Yes? Go on?" and she looked at me funny before explaining it's a common expression. I still don't quite understand what it means.

(everything after * is made-up/plagiarized, everything before it really happened)

Ok -- another 20 minute lapse there and bizarro George Lucas is now right next to me instead of 20 feet away. I started this around 2:20 and it's now 3:45 which means Tai's flight to Rome is due to take off any minute.

So yeah, we hung out here for a bit -- this airport kinda blows on account of it has hardly changed a thing since the early 90s when the internet barely existed and this used to be my favorite airport ever. Literally, 70-80% of this place has not changed. I got to walk Tai through the tunnel where they shine the crazy lights and keep saying "Moving walkway is now ending, please watch your step, moving walkway is now ending, please watch your step". I've probably experienced taking someone through there for their 1st time 5-10 times in my life by now, and I always enjoy it. Tai was skeptical at first, and probably isn't overwhelmed in retrospect, but I still liked showing it to her (or whatever you want to call walking in front of her and hyping up the tunnel she was already going to have to walk through regardless). I know that our baby is going to see it 6-7 years from now, it probably won't have changed at all (they'll probably still be charging for crappy Boingo wifi and have zero electrical outlets) and be completely blown away like I was the first time I saw it when I was 10 or 11.

Yeah so then I got online, realized the work I thought I had 99% finished last night was still 97-98% finished but had two major bugs I hadn't noticed that rendered the output useless. I was able to think fast and get the necessary corrections in a reasonable amount of time, but unfortunately I hadn't communicated any of that to Tai and 8 or 9 minutes before I had it all wrapped up she was ready to go. Oh, I failed to mention that this screwed up airport actually makes you go back out by the ticketing counter if you're switching from United to Alitalia, which brings us back to the start of this post "Tai is past security and I'm not". So we had to go back out of security -- Tai was flustered because I told her I'd be done in 5 minutes and took 10-15. We took the little train over to Alitalia and stood outside the security line over by where I'm sitting right now, she got a little less mad and a lot more sad. I've been pretty sad the whole time, but I'm really glad that we got to spend this morning on that flight together and share a little bit of "Chicago" (airport). There was a very tearful and extended goodbye, and then Tai went through security and rounded a corner out of my line of vision and next time we see each other it'll be in New York!

I would say that I feel very excited for the chance to spend a lot of time in the office, hopefully tying up loose ends and making money so I have some room to breathe and interview around, I'm very happy for Tai that she gets to experience this trip to Morocco and do all these things that she's looked forward to since she took the job last year, and I'm very sad that we don't get to see each other for a little over 2 weeks. The one nice thing that puts it in perspective is that 2 weeks ago I was taking all my folders out of the filing cabinet and spreading them across my living room, making a huge mess two days before my parents came in, and that feels like yesterday. I hope that our time apart will pass by just as fast, with the caveat that I will be very disappointed in myself if it passes and I'm like "whoa, I didn't get anything done." That would be the worst. But if things go according to plan we should be enjoying Thanksgiving together with a little bit more security (get it, security -- the title of this article? double entendre, BAM!) and maybe if I'm lucky I'll have something lined up trading securities (triple enten---ok i'll stop) or who knows. Hopefully the next two weeks will be very full and rewarding and involve minimal discomfort and put us in a better place than where we started -- how's that. In the meantime, I miss my baby. Both of them.

Day 23/24 - Rush and then rush again

I'm leaving in a few hours for the airport to eventually arrive in Casablanca, Morocco.

I refuse to give any more time to documenting all of the time I've recently and not-so-recently spent getting ready for this trip. So, just think of a lot of time and then throw it out your car window and watch it careen into plaid pantry where it gets a 28 pack of Milwaukee's Best and then gets in its own car after finishing off the case and fatally crashes into a vitamin supplement store.

The past few days I've been thinking, man... I feel fine, can this really be a successful pregnancy? I'm tempted to attribute the overwhelming neediness of the Morocco project to my non-sickness. How, you ask? Well, the other night I was laying in bed, thinking about being pregnant and how it was sucking at that moment, then I went on babycenter and was reading about other people being pregnant and I would alternate between the two. I realized that a good portion of time had gone by with no real progression of thought or action. I was just dwelling in the fertilized place. Then I realized the big question, the type of defining question that could certainly categorize you if you were an online quiz, the question that I was fearing asking myself....

When you are pregnant, do you think about the fact that you are pregnant close to 100% of the time?

Now, before you immediately answer that for yourself, consider this: "Think" is loosely defined, "think" is also "sense" and "consider" and on the flip side "think" is an all over "feeling" or "energy".

Because the question seems to really call out a woman who is, well, way too preoccupied with pregnancy, i.e. has little interest in pursuing life's other joys, I was certainly quick to answer negatively.

I definitely don't think about it all the time.

But the more I sat with the question (which is STILL thinking about being pregnant, mind you), I started to realize that it just kindof clouds your mind and body. The ultimate conclusion I came to was this: Being pregnant is like a cataract. I'm not even going to elaborate on this- there it is.


Well, I guess I'd better pack before I spend more time THINKING ABOUT BEING PREGNANT. I put my winter coat on today for the first time since a couple of weeks ago, no big deal. Yea, until I caught a strong wind and decided to zip up. On the first try I couldn't get the two sides to meet each other. I couldn't get the two sides to meet. Digest that, because obviously I've been digesting A LOT of it. When I did the tug tug and got the zipper started it was as though I was being put into an airtight chamber or food storage baggie. Yea, I got it on, but barely.

Day 20- Naps

Who knew it was daylight savings today? It felt like I won a prize this morning when John told me our computer clocks had been set back.



Last night was the party and John and I were Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley (respectively) from Kiss. This was fun for about 2 hours, then I put a paper towel down on my pillow and rested my head and realized how absurd it was that I couldn't just go to sleep. So we locked off the bathroom from the 40 or more guests that were at my house (most of which I had NO IDEA who they were) and took a shower. I still have black spray in my hair and John has the remnants of black around his eyelids making him look very hmmm, alice cooperish?



I found out this afternoon that my friend Jessica's mother passed away 2 nights ago. I want to be in NY so badly right now because I can only imagine how much pain she is feeling. I've talked to Ashley, but I haven't talked to Jess yet. This comes as such a surprise and I still don't know what happened.



This, obviously, has made me think about family moreso than usual today. How unexpected life is and the importance of nurturing your life with good "food"- love, family, appreciation, excitement, and patience. It's very important to me that my mother and father and brother are active in my childrens' lives but I just don't know how to create the ideal situation. I know that moving to NY would solve that, but it would also complicate my own happiness and I know I would have a severe sense of loss by leaving Seattle where I feel I belong. Mom and dad, won't you please move to Seattle? You have a little less than a year to get everything in order :) Then I'll have to start working the west coast golf course perspective on Tim.



Is this selfish? I don't know. I feel like Seattle offers so much more for everyone. I know this feeling of detachment from my family will grow as my hormones spike, and it will be a rather foreign and uncomfortable feeling as I've always felt quite independent. I really don't want to be without my mom and dad in this next chapter of life.





Well, now that I'm pretty solemn and confused from all of that, I guess I'll talk about something more concrete and smile-inducing. I'm officially 7 weeks and 2 days along. Here's what is going on:


How your baby's growing:The big news this week: Hands and feet are emerging from developing arms and legs — although they look more like paddles at this point than the tiny, pudgy extremities you're daydreaming about holding and tickling. Technically, your baby is still considered an embryo and has something of a small tail, which is an extension of her tailbone. The tail will disappear within a few weeks, but that's the only thing getting smaller. Your baby has doubled in size since last week and now measures half an inch long, about the size of a blueberry.


If you could see inside your womb, you'd spot eyelid folds partially covering her peepers, which already have some color, as well as the tip of her nose and tiny veins beneath parchment-thin skin. Both hemispheres of your baby's brain are growing, and her liver is churning out red blood cells until her bone marrow forms and takes over this role. She also has an appendix and a pancreas, which will eventually produce the hormone insulin to aid in digestion. A loop in your baby's growing intestines is bulging into her umbilical cord, which now has distinct blood vessels to carry oxygen and nutrients to and from her tiny body.


It's so incredible to me that all of this is going on without any permission from me. It's just happening. Our baby is getting bigger and I'm just hanging out, writing in a blog. I guess it must be taxing because I'm ready to take a nap all the time. In fact, I just woke up from one, but since I gained an hour today I have NO guilt. I do have a ton of work to do by tomorrow and I'm going to funnel all my concentration into it.... I just don't know when that is going to start. :)


As a side note: everyday John becomes more of an incredible partner (more than I could've even requested) and I feel very confident in him as father, provider, and love of my life.

Day 18- THROBBING

Last night I fell asleep at 6pm, woke up briefly from 9-9:30pm and woke up for good at 10am this morning. I think that is something to brag about. The drawback: I woke up with a horrific throbbing in my tooth that has been bothering me on and off for 2 months. I'd never had consistent pain, it has been mostly reactive pain from hot/cold things.

By John's urging, I called a dentist right next to his building and went in an hour later. He checked it out and said I had a pretty large cavity and that he would need to take an x-ray. This, of course, wasn't ideal but I also knew that the pain would only get worse if I didn't take action. So he took an x-ray and it turns out that the cavity was extremely close to my nerve; had I waited much longer I would've needed a root canal.

He numbed me and went to work. I was so tense through the whole procedure and when it was finally over I felt awful. My head was pounding and I was STARVING- I didn't eat before the appointment! So we went over to John's and I basically force-fed myself.

It is now 7pm and I am ready for bed. It's pathetic. I am really glad that my tooth is taken care of. One less thing to worry! So I think I really am going to go to bed. I have no idea how I am going to last through the Halloween party my house is throwing tomorrow night. I'll probably be passed out before the first guests even arrive. Good grief.

never quite as it seems cause you're a dream to me

tai woke up a few minutes ago and started in with "i was driving and our son was in the passenger seat next to me and he was 1 and a half and my mom was in the back seat" -- basically we've reached an understanding that the minute she wakes up from a sequence of dreams she is going to retell them all from start to finish and there's no ambiguity that she might be relating an anecdote of something that actually happened the previous day, these are all dreams -- so our son was in the passenger seat and he said that he hurt his knee and she asked if he wanted a kiss on the nose and he said yes, and the whole time she was doing the voice of our son the toddler and it was so unbelievably cute and now i can't wait until i get to meet our baby in one of MY dreams

Day 17 - Prunes

Yep. I'm constipated. I told John about it this morning and he just came back from Safeway with 1) Bag of prunes 2) Large jug of prune juice 3)Trail mix with prunes in it and 4) Prune baby food.

I think he loves me and my colon a lot.

While we were in Vancouver, he found this and gave it to me:


Lots of deadlines as my trip to Morocco and Spain is exactly a week away. It's so incredible that this THING that I've been talking about and planning for so long is finally coming to fruition and in just 20 days it will be behind me. My itinerary is Nov.5-Nov 15 Moroccan Delegation with work (Center for Women & Democracy) and then Nov 15- Nov 20 traveling from central Morocco to Tangier, across the Strait of Gibraltar and exploration through Spain. Nov 20th I'll arrive at JFK and spend the next week with Mom and Tim and whoever else for Thanksgiving. By that time I'll be nearly 11 weeks pregnant.

Today I received some of my lab results back which puts me in good health. I haven't been feeling nauseous at all, possibly because I am taking B6 vitamins on and off. I'm still waiting on a few results and I'll be able to go to UW Med Center when I come back to get genetic testing done, free of charge, which is very cool. If anything abnormal comes back, then John will be tested to see if we're at high risk for any genetic diseases. Oh I also found out my blood type- O+! That's exciting to me!

I've been listening to the Grateful Dead all morning and been fairly productive with work stuff. Last Halloween party before I have children on Saturday. Ronda thinks I should dress up as "Worst Mother Ever" with beer and fake cigarette in hand, raggedy clothes and crazy hair. I'm a little bit too worried that one day this child will see the picture and either a) get really concerned or b) yell at me saying something to the effect of "SEE, EVEN THEN YOU KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO BE THE WORST MOTHER EVER!" So, I don't know about that.

I am also slowly sloughing off extra commitments that I know I won't want to deal with in 9 months. This feel pretty good- every thing I eliminate makes me feel liberated to do things that I actually enjoy doing OR things that I know are good for my health.

All in all, everything is fine today. I'm going to eat another serving of prunes and I'll probably have to put one of those Lampshade collars they have for itchy dogs around my waist to protect against any unexpected explosions.

happy anniversary Tai

false alarm.

Tai asked me earlier "one year ago would you have guessed that you'd be right here?" My response "I had a notion."

Conveniently enough, I checked the logs after that mini-convo and it turns out that our gchat history begins on October 27th 2008. Prior to that I had kept her up late a couple of nights on Facebook chat and was getting really sore from the interface, so I finally convinced her to be my gchat buddy on 10/27. I wouldn't say that it got off to the most auspicious beginning, but I remember how after a few days my heart would start racing whenever I'd see tai.e.d... and I'd always engage her to talk about something. Eventually (I was staying with my parents in California for a few weeks at the time) we knew that there was some real excitement building up for us to see each other again, and I got on a train back up to Seattle, and I took a cab from the train station to where she was at (I think in capitol hill?) and went back and stayed with her, and it was really wonderful. A couple months later it was christmas, and aja set her graham cracker bridge on fire, and the next thing I knew we were boyfriend-girlfriend, and fastforward 10 more months here we are, 6 weeks and 4 days pregnant.

This is all very very exciting, and while I am on memory lane, I just have one more random thing to share, largely on my mind because I've been working on the same software today. I remember one time several months before that (yes, our history is a bit complicated) when I had my head on Tai's lap and was laying on the couch and had spent several hours trying to get this google spreadsheet code to work, and I think she was reaching the point of assuming I could never actually get it to work, and suddenly I ran my program and we were sitting there watching google docs and you could see the numbers populating into each cell, dropped in by my program instead of the user. In that moment a big smile opened up on Tai's face, pleased that I had accomplished what almost looked like magic, and I just had this strong feeling of accomplishment and pride in front of her and felt really supported by her, and I can't wait for a lifetime of that feeling.

Day 15 - Probing

This morning was my first appointment with the nurse where she told me exactly what to do and when to do it, followed by a flu shot, 10 vials of blood being drawn, peeing (again) in a cup, and finally cancelling my Nov OB/Gyn appointment and getting to see a midwife after all of the tests.

The most exciting parts of my day: eating rice pudding and having a vaginal ultrasound and getting to see our baby (not at the same time, unfortunately).

Here he/she is:

Aja said it looks like a gummy bear.

The midwife said she could see its heartbeat (a light flutter on the screen) and John said "I can't see anything". It turns out I am 6 weeks 4 days, which makes my official due date June 18th 2010.

It was also not a big deal at all to get a pap smear/ probed. This was my first gynocologist appointment EVER (I know that's awful) and since the second appointment for 11:30 was made at 10:30, I didn't have any time to mull over the joys of vaginal exams and it wasn't a big deal at all.

My least favorite moment of today: Aja farting right next to me after I ate a cupcake and feeling an incredible urge to vomit all over the world.

That's it for now. Also I'm not feeling nauseous and I got antibiotics for UTI! VICTORY!

blog

I'm supposed to pick up Tai in 20 minutes so that sets a firm timeline for writing this, which is good.

It's been difficult for me to figure out how I'm supposed to write on this blog -- is it supposed to be about baby related stuff, is it supposed to be about how life has changed now that I know we're going to be parents, is it just supposed to be stream of consciousness and we can look back at this one day and be like "that's what we were like while you were in the womb."

I went with my parents to the flight museum on Saturday and there were 3 distinct lines of thought that came to me that seem worthy of writing about. The first thing that came to my mind was just that you can do so many more things when you know that they are actually possible. After I had thought about this for a while, I realized it didn't have anything to do with having a baby, and then my mind started trying to project it onto the parenting experience, then I thought "ok, I'm just being completely artificial. I already knew what I wanted to say, but if I'm going to blog about it, it should be about the baby, so I decided to make it about the baby." But really it was just a thought. So I'll just say a couple more things about it to elucidate what I was thinking about, and then not come back to it. Basically, (we were at the flight museum), there was a rapid burst of innovation in the field of building airplanes around 1910-1915. That makes you think "well if you can do all that in 5 years -- how come nothing happened in all the years that came before". Well, in short the answer is that people had to fight doubt, or for that matter doubters who would laugh at the guy building his "flying machine". Once the world knew a flying machine existed, it wasn't so crazy to be someone working on making ANOTHER flying machine. Because you knew failure was not inevitable.

Obviously that can be applied to parenting, but if I do it, it's completely an artificial effort. So I'll move on for now.

The third thing I thought about (skipping the second) was how my dad remarked "hey that keyboard has a built in credit card swiper". I thought that was just about the stupidest thing possible. Why would you like a keyboard more because it had a credit card swiper? In general what's the benefit of attaching a coffee grinder to an alarm clock, etc etc. Then I realized they already made fun of this on the PC vs Mac commercials (think John Hodgman with a web cam taped to his head). Moving on.

The second thought was the one thing that was actually relevant to this blog. (yikes, 14 minutes) I realized that it will be a very, very very long time before this child has the ability to look at me and Tai from an external perspective. Everything that we do, is going to be "the way things are" in this child's mind, probably up into high school if not college. That is just a really weird thought to me. At first I thought, "this is what the baby will think forever". Then I realized that I look at my parents and I definitely understand intuitively that this is NOT just "the way things are". It's the way they are, based on their life experiences and upbringing. Eventually, our baby will realize that about us. But it's just amazing to me to think that all of my eccentricities are just going to be something that the baby takes for granted probably up until like 2030.

Wow.

Day 14- Barely Day 14

I'm laying awake in bed at 4:18am with Urinary tract issues and nausea.

Toodles!

Day 12- Enter the Grossness

I'd like to keep this brief. Right now I have a urinary tract infection. I'm sure I don't have to write anything more on this topic to convey the pain, frustration and hate for the toilet that I'm experiencing.

This morning I had a fundraising training to coordinate downtown. I woke up feeling completely dissatisfied with my night of sleep. Thursday night I fell asleep at 9:30pm and woke up at 9:30am and felt fantastic, but yesterday I was yawning through the end stretch of our evening with John's mom & dad. By midnight, I was in shock that I was still standing- I thought "man, I'm going to get some great sleep." No, not the case. Every single hour I was waking up, not out of pain or need to pee- just waking up as if I was disturbed by some light sounds. When I woke up, I got ready, popped a vitamin and headed over with John to his apartment to get the bagged lunches stowed in his fridge. I was feeling hungry and knew I should eat something, so I started to pour myself a bowl of honey bunches of oats when a bubble of vomit shot up my throat out of nowhere, and I had the clear thought: I'm going to throw up- DAMNIT! So I quickly abandoned the cereal approach and popped some saltines (advice from momma) and felt a little bit better.

The feeling eventually subsided and I was able to operate normally through the rest of my morning until I came home and developed this UTI.


So there, I've had my complaining session. Now let me talk about happier things. Last night I met John's parents and I really like them! John hasn't done a great job of describing them to me, so I was really anxious to encounter their personalities. I always love meeting parents and siblings of people I know to see all of the personality and physical connections, but this is even better because I get to see a wider scope of how John came to be and how our baby may be influenced.

Debbie and Dave seem to really compliment each other as a couple in a similar way that I think John and I match and it makes me smile. I'm glad that they will be my child's grandparents and I can't wait for the day that we can all converge as a big family. I know my mom and Debbie would get along and it seems like Dave would get along with everyone just like my dad, as long as they aren't a Yankees fan.

So right now, I've went ahead and believed the internet advice and taken Azo to help relieve the UTI pain and I'm going to get back to work. I keep thinking about that near V8 vomit incident this morning and I'm very concerned I'll be riding on a bus in Morocco throwing up into my sweater (mom :) ).

front burner

This morning so far has been perfectly illustrative of what is going to be one of the major challenges, if not THE major challenge, of child rearing.

The major question, which I'm sure everyone encounters in everything that they ever do, is "what goes on the front burner?"

That's not very profound, but there is plenty to say about it. Tai wanted me to go to the gym with her about an hour ago, and I was in the process of responding to an email about someone who was very upset because they are part of a project that has gone almost completely neglected for the past 2 weeks. This in and of itself is not a major concern of mine, as that person doesn't have anything in writing that says they have a right to be assigned new work on the project, nor that they should be paid on a regular basis, and for that matter they have already been overpaid in the past for work they never got done. So I wasn't worried about that person's concerns, but it was something I had to address because this thing I'd left on the backburner had just boiled over.

So Tai wanted me to go to the gym. "Well, I can't go to the gym -- I have to do this." Well you didn't plan ahead. You shouldn't have started that thing before you finished the other thing.

You shouldn't have started that before you finished everything else. Now THAT ... that is a statement that leads me to what I consider profound thought. Should we have finished everything else before we decided to have a baby? Maybe, maybe not. It certainly would make things simpler if you could just push a button and decide when you're going to have a baby. I guess these days, you probably can, what with implanting embryos and whatnot, but let's be old fashioned and say that you can't control when you're going to have a baby. Then your choices are either (1) make a list of everything you want to do. do everything on that list, hope that nothing new will ever come up to be added to the list, then have a baby or (2) live your life, and let a baby happen.

Now the first option is something that I think a lot of people try. I mean certainly they put off having a baby until after high school (there are laws designed to help with that). A lot of people try to put off having a baby until after they have completed college (we both did, I don't think our parents really did -- my mom had me in her first year of medical school). And then there's the people that want to say "ok, I need to get into a career, get really far in that career, travel to every corner of the world, reach the top of the world, and then maybe I'll have a baby". A lot of my friends are still in this group. I think Tai wanted in large part to be part of this group. I arguably was part of it, got as far as I did in a career before I felt like it was pointless and making more money wouldn't be interesting, I'd spend that money and do the travelling that I felt like, but the only thing that would motivate me towards having a career again like that one I had had would be if I was married and/or had a baby that I had to take care of. That was four and a half years ago.

So anyways, you've got these people who wait into their mid-30s and maybe they make it in business, maybe they don't. Maybe they become executive directors of their non profits and realize their greatest ambitions leading delegations and whatnot. Then all of a sudden they're like "aww crap, I have 5 years to have a baby now before my eggs go bad." And then maybe they're with a guy who can't produce, but they don't find that out for a year. I dunno -- this happened at the beginning of Idiocracy, with the guy from Lost who punched Juliet. So I mean, that would be a major concern of mine. That would be putting the baby thing on the back burner and keeping everything else on the front burner, and then one day finding out that it's too late to have a baby, that train left the station.

So to make it perfectly clear to the world, I'm COMPLETELY happy that Tai and I are going to have this baby now. Things could have been done a different way, other decisions could have been made that would be deemed "responsible", and maybe I could have been 33 years old before the time would have actually come to find out whether or not I was capable of having a baby. If I had gotten into my mid-30s and found out that the process of conceiving a baby was not going to be as simple as I'd hoped, I would have considered that to a major, major personal failure and ultimately the least responsible lack of planning I would have ever imagined.

So then in the meantime, we have the pregnancy on the front burner. Well, we have to pay for everything. So where does that fit in. Does work go on the front burner? Does reading baby books go on the front burner? Does going to the gym to ensure the baby's health (and our long lives) go on the front burner?

The gym is a perfect example of what I really wanted to write about when I thought of this blog entry. On any given day, there is arguably something you have to do that is more important than going to the gym. On any given day, the gym should NOT be on the front burner, unless you are going to be starring in the movie 300. But if you never squeeze it in -- if you never take an unfinished project OFF the front burner for that hour so that you can go to the gym -- then you will never go to the gym and you'll get out of breath climbing the stairs, and you'll be too tired to play with the kids and they won't love you, and blah blah blah. Ok, hopefully the kids will love you even without the gym, but the point is that it's never possible to finish everything before you start something new, and it's really really hard to figure out what is really supposed to be on the front burner at any given time. Arguably, I shouldn't be writing this blog right now, but then again Tai REALLY REALLY wanted me to be writing on the blog this morning -- it was definitely FRONT BURNER as far as she was concerned at the time -- and if I never wrote on the blog then 9 months later, there wouldn't be any entries from me on the blog.

So it's a challenge.

breaking the ice

so this isn't going to be the ideal inaugural post from me on this blog. Tai had it up for 7 or 8 days and finally made me an admin on it wednesday, I think. I started writing like a 3000 word post that night and for whatever reason it got sidetracked ( most of my endeavors get side tracked because Tai will look over at me while she's doing work and seconds later I'll be on the receiving end of a Superfly Splash http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XSi0vwe4pqk ) .... anyways shortly after that my computer crashed and it got derailed and it's hard to just pick up where you left off when you're talking about your feelings in an 8 page manifesto.

Now Tai is on a mission to get me to post something this morning. She just came out of the bathroom saying POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOST across the apartment. "You didn't post yeeeet, I can't reeead it". Ahhhh I love my girlfriend.

Day 10 Part 2- I love John Clyde

About 10 minutes ago, John got up out of his seat and stood 4 feet in front of me (laying on the couch) and started narrating the first 2 Star Wars movies that we JUST WATCHED which he is convinced I didn't digest upon viewing. He is using a lot of gestures and sound effects even though I've haven't been looking at him since he started the narration. I love him tremendously.

Day 10 - Waffles

All I want to eat are waffles. Not owning a toaster at either house hasn't stopped me either.

So yesterday and today have been some big "reveal" days. My dad finally came back from MA and our conversation went something like this:

"Hi Dad"
"Hi hunny"
talk talk talk talk
"I have something to tell you"
"Ok.."
"You are going to be a grandfather!"
"................................
.........................well, that's a way to put it"

After he reassured me that he was happy with the news he passed the phone back to mom. During the phone transfer I heard my mom say, "Richie, take 2 deep breaths."

I should also mention that I spent the whole day in John's sweatpants and my City Year zip up and it felt like being cocooned in a ball of cotton all day. I can't remember the last time I wore sweatpants although I've probably forced myself to forget since I'm sure they were way too short/tight on me and the memory is too embarassing for storage.

I spent most of the day doing work and/or watching Arrested Development on DVD and made a point to send this blog's link to a few people including Alie. Alie doesn't have a functioning laptop right now, so she frequently uses other housemates technology. John and I were doing work in my room when Katie walked into the room with a very unique look on her face.

"ARE YOU???"
"what?"
"ARE YOUUUU???"
"yeah!"

Apparently Alie, the great secret keeper she is, left the window open on Katie's laptop.

After the commotion I realized it was about time I told the rest of my housemates what was going on. I went into the living room, interupted Glee (the TV show, not a general emotion of glee) and broke the news to Ronda, Jen & Brandon - as I suspected, Brandon knew already because I am a loud mouth and he could hear me through the wall when I called Group Health to set some appointments.

I woke up this morning quite early for an appointment downtown and felt kind of sick as I headed to the bus. Came home with more stuff than I left with including a 24 pack of waffles.

John is sitting across from me as we watch Star Wars, sorting through piles of paper and mementos from the last decade or more. I'm really not sure if he is sorting things or looking at them.

I've eaten a half a bag of grapes. I'll be paying for this all night and John will be an innocent bystander.

Day 8 - Overwhelmed but under control

Today, and yesterday, I've been feeling overwhelmed and finding it very hard to concentrate (compounding the stress). Work, school, volunteering, life and now a 2nd life inside are making me feel like I need to slash some corners, relax, focus on myself, all that crap.

The main problem is that this is not really feasible at this point with the Center. I'm pulled in so many directions all the time with no one else to fall back on. I'm sure that an inability, or rather inexperience with delegating tasks is to blame as I usually feel personally responsible for every single project discussed.

I tabled at the Seattle University Non-profit Career fair today with 3 internship positions at the Center. What a joy it would be to have 3 warm bodies to pass work to without a feeling of guilt or inadequacy (as I feel towards asking Board members for assistance).

I also have class tonight and after an existential crisis over whether or not I can really handle this right now and consequently finding out that I would NOT receive any kind of partial refund for the class, I have decided to stick with the commitment and finish out the Certificate in Nonprofit Management. Class is tonight (god, it is 1 hour away) and I was actually successful in completing the homework. A small miracle, really.

Body news- I feel fine. I mean I feel more than fine. I hope that's alright; I'm certainly not stressing about it. Today marks week 6 which is exciting. According to babycenter.com, The nose, mouth, and ears that you'll spend so much time kissing in eight months are beginning to take shape. If you could see into your uterus, you'd find an oversize head and dark spots where your baby's eyes and nostrils are starting to form. His emerging ears are marked by small depressions on the sides of the head, and his arms and legs by protruding buds. His heart is beating about 100 to 160 times a minute -- almost twice as fast as yours -- and blood is beginning to course through his body. His intestines are developing, and the bud of tissue that will give rise to his lungs has appeared. His pituitary gland is forming, as are the rest of his brain, muscles, and bones. Right now, your baby is a quarter of an inch long, about the size of a lentil bean.

It is time for me to shovel some soybean succotash and fish sticks into my piehole then run, or rather sluggishly saunter over to class.

Day Four - Day of I Think I'm Hungry?

After a pretty epic journey, we're finally cozied up in Vancouver BC at the Sandman Hotel. Last night we each had our own share of work that was overdue and ended up staying awake nearly the entire night until we rushed out the door for the bus to the airport at 5am. The first bus was freezing and the second bus STUNK. John fell asleep almost immediately. When we disembarked from the bus he dropped his duffel bag and didn't even notice. I was behind him and just sort of stared at the bag in the aisle, growing concerned with our competence for traveling this early in the morning.

We got to the airport way too early and had to walk, no exaggeration, about 3 miles total to get to the gate + Air Canada blows. When we were waiting for the elevator I was actually envisioning the scene of me throwing up into my nalgene water bottle.

I got myself to the bathroom and on the way back saw exactly what I wanted for breakfast and John dutifully got it for me. It's pretty awesome being able to identify exactly what you want to eat. The only issue is that sometimes I'll be looking at the object of my desire and I have this really blase feeling about eating it. I'm not sure if this topics begs much more discussion except that it's very confusing.

So when we arrived at the Vancouver airport, I was very impressed by the look of it and nauseated by the smell of butt which seemed to emanate from the northwest corner. I guess it's no surprise that we were hanging out there because I had to pee, AGAIN. We hopped on the train and eventually checked in at the hotel.

We fell asleep soon after and woke up starving, ordered something similar to what we had seen on a commercial moments before and when the delivery guy, like a prophet, came bearing our dinner, I had this cat sense that I wasn't going to dig the shrimp salad that looked so good in the commercial. This particular salad was bathed in Parmesan cheese which was just ethically wrong.

Once the food is digested, we're going to go swimming in the pool/whirlpool.

Bodywise, most of yesterday and today I haven't thought as much about being pregnant. My stomach has moments of severe cramping but for the most part I'm fine. I'm sure it could and perhaps will be worse. I found myself thinking today, how I wouldn't want this to be any other way than it is. Maybe this is the first onset of a maternal instinct; within 4 days I've gone from a high level of uncertainty to so much growing excitement and comfort. I'd hate, and I mean I'd really hate to sound like a typical pregnant lady (see: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tJRzBpFjJS8 ) but I'm so glad this is happening, how enriching it is (the change of perspective most of all) that I can't imagine it not happening.


Tomorrow evening we'll be going the Louis CK show that brought us to Vancouver. Everything deserves a smile, and I sure have one on right now.

Day Two- Day of Wow, I'm pregnant

Is it possible to maintain focus on things other than the tadpole within on the 2nd day knowing you are pregnant. I doubt it.

Conference calls and urgent work seemed much less important than confirming the cramps and fullness I'm feeling are perfectly normal.

I called Group Health to get the prenatal exam ball rolling and they told me the first step is to go to the lab and have an official test done. So after John and I ate Greek food (my absolute FAVORITE lentil soup) we went down to Capitol Hill to the GroupHealth lab. My urine has been in great demand these past 2 days.

Finally, after I didn't follow some of the technician's directions, she handed us a piece of paper:

So... there it is, in writing!


What's going on with my body? Still cramping and very bloated, peeing a lot and gassy. Very glamorous. I fall asleep almost instantly which I enjoy wholeheartedly. I've been having crazy dreams for awhile now. Last night I dreamt that my mom hurt herself and I was so upset I woke up and was conscious to how uncomfortable my body felt- SO BLOATED. John woke up and did his half-awake goofy smile that always makes me think he is waking up for real, and then started snoring again. I eventually fell back asleep and proceeded to concoct even more bizarre dreams.